Sweet Kisses

Awwww…kisses.

Who would have ever thought how special they would be? There are so many types of kisses…romantic kisses, friendly kisses, kisses on the hand, kisses on the cheek, a kiss hello, a goodbye kiss, air kisses, kisses from across the room, kisses to heal boo-boos, kisses to say thank you, kisses in your dreams, movie kisses.

But I have discovered the best kiss in the entire world lately…kisses from my sweet baby boy. They are heavenly!

Joey is becoming more outgoing every single day and I have never loved like I love him. I just can’t stop kissing him…on his head, his hands, his feet, his cheeks and even some smackers on his lips. Joey responds so sweetly. When I give fast little kisses, he responds by going “mwah” right back with a big open smile. It is the most precious time ever! I will literally kiss him over and over to get these “mwah”-smiles for hours if I can.

Another kiss we do is the nose kiss. I will rub his little nose with mine nice and easy and at the same time I say, “dee dee dee” really soft and high. He gets so quiet and looks right at me. The other night he was swaddled in his bed ready to go to sleep but was restless and looking all around. So I got down and did nose kisses and he just looked and looked at me. He would turn his head from one side to the other so that he could keep getting more kisses. It was almost as if he were trying to do the nose kisses himself.

Sweet Joey is getting so big! And he is a happy baby, very funny. We went to a funeral last weekend for a dear departed family member. I will be honest, I was nervous about the funeral. I was nervous that it would bring back sad memories of Eli’s Memorial. We sat in the back and I held Joey in my arms and it began….

I have always thought Joey was a quiet baby, a sweet baby that coos and has alert awake time. In the quiet of the church, in the seriousness of the funeral, Joey began his “noises” as usual. He began grunting and cooing and was so loud. It actually made me giggle and I felt terrible! I wanted to mourn for the loss of this incredibly special family member and then I realized that Joey was giving me just what I needed, he was giving me a break. He was letting me breathe, keeping me from misery and allowing me to see the life in this loss.

You see, I had to get up and I stood out in the entry way while I fed him and he grunted and cooed. There were pictures of this wonderful woman who was in a wheelchair and she was white-water rafting, she was climbing mountains. I felt inspired. I had no idea. I’m not real sure I would have seen these pictures if I hadn’t left the church area.

In the end, I realized my little boy was not as quiet as I had thought and I came back inside just as they were mentioning prayers for Baby Eli. It made me smile.

Eli. I have been missing him so. I started grief counseling with a Christian counselor and he’s a really nice guy. He suggested I come twice a week and I’ve been several times. I’ve realized a few things so far but we both think I am between Stage 1 (shock) and Stage 2 (anger/blame) of the 5 Stage healing process. I miss Eli all the time, I think about him all the time. Sometimes when I cuddle with Joey, I imagine that he is there too and I reach out my arms as if to cuddle two babies. It’s been hard for me. Sometimes I imagine that they are swaddled right next to each other. When we took Joey’s pictures the other day, I saw samples of twin baby pictures and imagined my babies in pictures together. They were never really in pictures together except right before Eli died and Eli didn’t look himself then.

My sweet angel baby Eli. I miss him.

And of course little man Joey. He’s been so congested lately. We’ve been using a humidifier and I hope this goes away soon. The pedi says it’s ok, that it’s normal but I don’t like it one bit. I am the Thermal Regulator! I take his temp all the time. I worry about him getting sick all the time. I just want him to feel good. This week, he sees the eye doctor and will most likely be getting glasses. I dread the eye doctor but have decided to venture driving downtown to his appointment all by myself for the first time. I usually drive with my arm over the top his car seat holding his hand. If I can feel his squeeze, I feel better, although it’s very uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to give up one comfort to get another, right?

We had one person look at our house and they liked it but they were just beginning to look around and I’m sure there are great houses out there much cheaper (foreclosures). We are trying to avoid that but it’s looking more and more like that may happen. Sigh….stupid recession.

Joey, Joey, Joey…the light of my life, my starshine, my little monkey, my sweetie bug, my punkin pie! I love to give him kisses and I am so glad that he is kissing me back. His little neck is getting stronger every day and he is eating like a piglet at times. We went a day and a half without a poo and I was worried but then it allllll came back to normal…and then some. He is excellent at poo-poos. A real champ!

He is so friendly and social. He loves to smile and loves attention. Right now, this is taking me a long time to write because he keeps kicking me and demanding attention, which of course I give to him. He makes “mwah” noises at me or will grunt really hard or breathes fast and then kicks out at me. In the mornings after we wake up and eat a bottle (not me, him), we will cuddle together. Sometimes he will go back to sleep for an hour or so. The other morning, he was not having it. He was hitting me in my face, kicking me, cooing at me, anything to get me to wake up and give him attention. I loved it and was so impressed. He never got angry either, he was so sweet and cute.

Kisses. Sweet Joey kisses. I could kiss him all day! I kiss his feet, his hands, his belly. He’s the most precious little boy, so loving. I’m so blessed.