Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Difficult Times for Mommy

"When a man loses his wife, he is called a widower.
When a woman loses her husband, she is called a widow.
When a child loses her parents, she is called an orphan.
When a parent loses her child...there is no name for this type of pain...
It is hard to live and has no name."
~Major Bloomberg

Thinking of my Eli...the only day, the only set of pictures where I held both my babies...

I love you and miss you desperately angel baby Eli...do you miss Mommy?

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Very Bright Boy

My little sweetness…how did I get so lucky? With all that has been going on in my life, I cannot be more happy to have my husband and precious baby boy Joey in my life every day.

Joey has been in therapy for a little while for basic developmental skills he may be struggling with due to his prematurity. Just recently, he has also started therapy for his visually impaired issues and he did great. He sees two VI therapists, one for basic coordination…things like touching, feeling, writing later on. His other therapist will work with him on transportation which right now involves getting Joey to lift his head so that he can eventually get into the crawl position. He’s struggling there mostly because there’s not much incentive. It’s hard to lift your head and he can hear everything just fine from the ground. We work on this but at his pace.

Some of the sweetest moments have caught me by surprise lately. I left Joey with his Daddy so I could wash and prepare bottles for the evening and when I came back in the room, Daddy was very meticulously helping Joey feel the edges of these shapes on a puzzle. I mean, I work with Joey off and on during the day, but to see Daddy take such initiative and he was so gentle and loving, well, it was a precious moment that made my heart melt. You really can fall in love with your husband all over again by simply watching him love your baby. He works so hard for us and then goes to law school at night so sometimes, he has to catch up with Joey through video and I know how hard that is for him. Joey has been feeling our faces a lot, especially Daddy’s face. He likes the scratchy beard. He also likes the rough side of Velcro so that makes sense.

The other day I was having a moment where I was really missing Eli. A lot of things piled up on me and I was just sobbing and here was Joey, just playing with the crinkle worm toy I had in my hand. Through my sobs, I was telling Joey how much I loved him, how much I missed his brother, how sorry I was that his brother wasn’t here and how I felt like I wasn’t a good mommy because I was crying right then. I kept telling him, “Mommy will do better, Mommy will do better,” and through all of this I was changing his diaper. He likes to kick (it’s his new favorite thing) and he just starts kicking and cooing and all I could do was giggle through my tears. Those are the best laughs sometimes, the ones that happen in the middle of a good cry. So I picked him up, held him tight, rocked him back and forth and told him I loved him so much. This of course also made me cry. I was already emotional and loving moments like this really get to me.

Now that Joey has been approved for his program, I will start getting respite help during the week. The program actually pays someone to come to my house and help me out, either by allowing me a simple nap, letting me go to the grocery store, do some cooking. I actually found out that they can clean for me if I want, whatever I need. It’s so generous and to be honest, I don’t know what I need. I think it will take me some time to get used to it and so in the beginning, she may just follow me around or chit chat with me. Adult conversation is rare. I just have to be careful to stay on task.

Next week Joey has his pre-op appointment for his (hopefully) last surgery. It makes me so nervous because surgery is so hard on him, especially the anesthesia. But it must be done.

So attached are pictures of his therapy and there is also a video so you can see this very bright boy in action. He really is very bright and my saving grace.

Mommy Loves Joey

Mommy Loves Joey